am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
