So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
