Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
