If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
