That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
