guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
