I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
