Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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