i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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