halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
