My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I am available for nakedness
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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