My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
