If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
