Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize