my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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