I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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