we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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