they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
