If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize