How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
