i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
