i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
