I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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