She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
