You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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