So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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