Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
