John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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