i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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