Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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