I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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