I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
