Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
