he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
