you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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