Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
