if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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