Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
