So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
