I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
