Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
