I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
