found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
