I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
