Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
