I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
