just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize