Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
