I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
