so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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