you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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