He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
